Yay a poem for the day, again!

Fruit and Yogurt

Almost gone now,
the fruit all eaten up,
and the yogurt running low
like my money
I paid my admission into this place
with money spent on a cup of fruit and yogurt.
dreams of being rich, and
somehow
being able to have caffeine
after noon
dreams of the life I once lived
a life surrounded by work
not sleep.
I patiently wait
unwilling to give up
on this medication combination.

it took a long time for me to summon
up the well to get up
this morning…afternoon,
hell is only one letter away from help,
then for unknown reasons
I was up.

I get on AIM now!
Oh woe is me
no one to talk to.

hanging over my head is the big what if
what if I was able to focus
on my project this year
what could I have accomplished

tiredness comes upon me now
I wish I could fight it with caffeine
I can fight it with music!!!
Here comes David Bowie, Queen, Motown

In a minute, first I will talk to you,
just a bit longer,

I have this feeling
that comes upon me
that makes me want to crawl out
of my own skin
it started out with just my feet
but now when it comes
it is all over
I don’t remember when it started
and other times I have this unexplainable bad feeling
not sadness, but badness
and I feel down hearted a lot
I do not like the way my brain feels, but
if it could get me on a normal sleep schedule
where I didn’t have periods were I sleep 23 hours
and it made me enjoy life
like now
for some chemical reason even when I feel horrible
I now appreciate being alive.
Not that I don’t have my moments
moments when I feel that there is no hope for getting better
that I will continuously sleep my life away.

It’s been so long since I started having sleep problems,
about a year now.
mix that with varying states of well being,
Sigh.

ME me me me me

Mid-term tomorrow,
eyes all sleepy.
You Got 8 HOURS of sleep!
the day before you had MORE!

yesterday you MISSED a class
you thought,
lets use the phone alarm
and not the loud one that I have to get up to turn off.
you turn off the phone alarm,
and think,
I haven’t missed many days in this class, just one
I think I will just SLEEP.
so I do
and I wake up finally
with regret.

the professor
in that class is cute,
with a big smile,
but I do not like his class
I SHOULD have switched,
but not to a morning class
me and God know that.

So here I am,
wondering what is wrong with me
WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME

I think I will eat a good lunch today,
or maybe just yogurt.
My stomach feels really hungry.

I have to write some jokes for a class,
but that can wait, like this can wait,
but I like to use class time, doing work for that class,
here is my work
wonderful isn’t it
watch it shine.
I could be studying,
because I have to go pick up
medication
today,
and that takes time,
I think I will ask my sister for a ride.
No she is not online.

I must go now,
Good day,
Good night.

Wind
Winter
Why?

I have spoken of a bear
that sleeps all winter,
but
while the bear sleeps
the wind wakes up
and blows in my face.

a bear lives by the pole
and I am the pole,
I am two poles
not everyone
has the honor
of being a pole.

I do not listen to the polls
they move, I guess
like I move
they move with me
they follow me,
because whether I listen or no
I am the poll.

exotic dancers are all over me
all the time I try to push them off
bug off, leave me alone
but they climb all over me
and herds of men follow me around.

why is it that I couldn’t be a mole, or a bowl?
why is it that you label me at all?
sure we might exhibit the same symptoms
sort of
I am not him/her she/he is not me

oh #$!&) this poem I’m too tired

Yay a poem for the day!

Steamed milk

My doctor says I shouldn’t have caffeine after noon
my doctor says a lot of things
I absolutely need to get eight hours of sleep every night.

Sleep.

I am already as tired as an old woman,
like my Mom
When some weird
arthritis grows
in my hip and I need painkillers
When this happens what will I do?

Sleep.

Yes, that is what has started to happen, stress
comes upon me,
It makes me sleepy. I cannot
face it anymore.
I have nothing

to prove anymore.
I’ve faced my challenge, my climax
I got though last year,

First I was panicked
Now that I’ve… changed could I do
What I used to do?
I did.
In my own strange
manner.
I continued in college
and did not drop my G.P.A.

I only get up so my roommates don’t have to hear
the alarm, I sit in my chair in a daze until I absolutely
will be late if I do not get moving.

I guess I still care,
I do the class work, writing, clay, audio and video
but my days are filled with tiredness
over the weekend when I have no need
to get up I can easily sleep 16 hours, 16
Not recovery hours either.

depression interferes with sleep
Jetlag all the time a sign
As the U of M depression center declares proudly
as if unlocking some kind of secret, no
secret to me.

I’m medicated of course, will you?
look at me differently if I tell you? I am, no,
I have Schizoaffective Bipolar disorder with psychosis

My life is a chemistry set between different medications
Risperdal made me into a milk cow
Geodon made me fall asleep in classes,
Abilify wasn’t strong enough
Zyprexa Zydis is my current soul mate, but.
he raises my cholesterol and blood sugar

I’ve heard Angels and Devils and felt fears
I was trapped in the mental hospital
Heaven or Hell, Help or Rape
what were the staff going to do?

What will you do? Fire me? Because sometimes
I think that I need to stop taking my medication? Because sometimes
I feel so overhauled that I curl up in a chair, a ball in a chair, a sleeping ball? Lets not
forget the effects that the medications have on me:
Weight gain
Decreased Blood
to the hands and feet making
me walk slowly,
Entropy over time in the brain,
Possible involuntary movement
that may get better or worse
when the medication is taken away

Oh
and lets not talk about the complaints.
did I really want to write my poem on how I can sleep?
for two, TWO DAYS, no food, no bathroom, just my Mom
Popping in to ask if I was okay? O.K.

I’m Bipolar and I’m tired of it. O.K.

the funny thing is
that when I am sleeping
under the blanket
in my old room
walls that were painted sky blue
when I was in elementary
under the glow in the dark stars
I put up personally in no real constellation

the funny thing is
that I feel so comfortable,
peaceful
all my dreams are
wonderful, different.
people with bipolar disorder have different
sleep patterns,
they enter into R.E.M. faster
and brain medications effect dreams

Anyone want to do a trade,
I have a slip of paper
that proves to Profs that I am suffering
from a mental illness.
you take the Bipolar,
you get the paper that makes it so you
must sleep
eight hours every night.

Don’t worry about the sleepiness
in theory (so says my pDoc)
a slight increase in the antidepressant,
and another pill that gives energy
will cure the problem.
Hopefully without pushing you up into a mania.

You don’t want to face my manias
unless you enjoy scary movies.

Word key: U of M, Profs = Professors, and
pDoc = psychiatrist, some others call them witch doctors

The Emperor – A head of me
(I’m trying to decided if this is offensive or not)

Surround by art and music
I know that I will be leaving this place.
I enter a new world tomorrow.

The world still
in the hands of men,
its called htrae.

My celebration will be short-lived,
what is four years in a life,
unless they can enrich the rest of the life?
Things will be in my hands soon.

Things will be out of my hands,
forced to my knees as I say,
“I bow to no one but God.”
Yet for survival,
I pretend to bend
to men.

Why?
Because I see,
that it is impossible
to bow to anything other then God.

So man thinks he is
the greatest of Gods creations
better then us, and we wonder why
God asks us to bend?

because God made us also,
and yet man rules,
and we wonder why,
Yet for survival
I pretended to bend.

If you understand what I am referring to I in no way saying your culture is htrae (earth spelled backwards). I’m not referring to your culture at all. I just heard your cultures writings about the devil, and suddenly it hit me.

Dasnai
(crazy poem
not to be taken
seriously)

Everyday it happens
it the morning
comfortable in bed
temptation comes
to sleep forever.

Yet the water runs through me,
beating in waves,
water never rests.
every part of me is wet, and
when the sunlight comes the water says,
evaporate with me, move beyond this spot
into the world, jumping and dancing
from molecule to molecule.

But my mass of carbon shuns the water.
Slow down, be a tree
I will make you reach the heavens
not fall to the ground like the clouds.
Moving is pointless,
dreaming is everything.

Yet when the sun is up the water rules,
spiral up, sky high, light feet,
or at least I wish it was this way.

In the beginning,
when the Earth
was a formless wasteland
darkness covered the abyss,
the angels lived breathing out oxygen
like trees, but the air filled up with oxygen
so God made all the creatures too fill the air with carbon,
while some angels stopped needing to breath, the good angels
the other angels still need oxygen.
so God made Adam and Eve to fill all the air with carbon,
so only his good angels would remain
and so God could create a paradise on Earth,
a balance between carbon and oxygen.

Yet the Devil was clever,
and taught humans envy, and hatred
so they would kill each other,
then one day,
he discovered a way
to get energy without carbon,
and hurt humans at the same time.
The atom bomb,

God only knows what will happen next.

Hello, Hello, Hello, hello, hello, hello

Hello,
I’m in class. Will sort of. It is free work time where we can do whatever we want, whenever we want, but this is almost the time they had originally scheduled for mandatory work time, and then they set us free. I played the Sims 2 Life Stories, and now I want to play, play, play. It was so much fun, but I don’t think they have enough stories in the life stories. How hard could they be to make? They already had the whole programming set up. All they needed to do was create. This is what happens when you take the Maxis away from an originally Maxis game, and put in foolish EA game makers.

There I did it. I talked about something other then sleep for a whole paragraph. Let me see if I can continue it for just a bit longer.

So I played the Sims, and I as I played I realized how much of a stress reliever it is to play. I’ve spent a lot of these years in college not picking up a game to play. Well, a video game. I’ve played board games with others. When I first developed Bipolar disordered I found that it took too much effort (I was depressed). It does come back to me at times though, the desire to play. I used to play on my brother’s Final Fantasy Online account, and if you want to talk about effort, it can blow you away. Somehow I miss it, getting in groups with other people (something that can be hard to do). One time I was in an amazing group. I gained a lot of experience that day.

I was a catlike creature called Namir. A Red Mage as my main job and a White Mage as my sub job. I have heard from my brother that they have Blue Mages now. I also played another online game. A popular one I don’t remember the name of. I was an Animal trainer. I would train a certain kind of animal you can ride on, and then give it for free to other people. I’ve walked around the beginner’s area of World of Warcraft (WOW… really do a google search for wow and it is at the top of the list).

Hello,
I’m about to go to class! I’m in the classroom. I think someone accused me of cutting in the bus line today, but I was the first one to move up to catch the bus, everyone was cutting me! I set here wonder if I have anything to say this afternoon. I know that I didn’t want to get up today and I woke up with a bloody nose. Yes, lucky only drops got on my bed.

Hello,
I’m out of class. Today I promised myself that if I forced myself to get up I would get something at a coffee shop. Walking in the cold I decided that I would hop in the first coffee shop I crossed by. So I’m at Starbucks with a Tall Mocha. It tastes so good. I have given up caring about high blood sugar. Its not like I’m diabetic. During class I had another blood nose, but I just held my head over the handout and watched the drips. It was quite a distraction. I accidentally told my sister there was no mid-term, but then I looked closer at the syllabus and we do have on. So we were talking about the mid-term next week during the beginning of class. I had on of those moments were nothing registered in my brain. I was listening, but I could not make out the words. I knew there were words, and they reached my ears clearly. It took a while before my mind worked up its old motor and I could understand what the Professor was saying, and when it did suddenly everything was clear and simple. Add this problem with getting the motor started in my brain to the fact that I have started to forget sentences spoken in class at a greater rate. I will even be writing the sentence, and I will be distracted by another thing the Professor said, and I will forget what I was writing.

I am quite worried about this mid-term…not really. It’s just the questions he put down, as example questions were extremely hard. What am I doing I need to be reading!

Reading done I am in my apartment before a class. What I thinking my computer needs a battery charge for my performance tonight! See ya!

Hello,
I’m in class again. Very much yawnful. I know yawnful is not a word, but it should be, and I am making it a word. I need energy. Yesterday I upset some kind of force during class by doing a humor skit with Tarot cards. The thing is I don’t know what force it was. Was it God upset with me for passing around Tarot cards? I know that my Mother is reading this so I have to explain that I believe that when a certain number of people believe in something that it takes on the energy of their belief. Was it the energy of the cards themselves that was mad at me? Or finally was it a ghost taking on the classrooms shared energy, and the energy line I pretended see. Oh yes, it could also be that someone in the class was powerfully psychic.

I’m not going into the Catholic Church’s view of fortune telling. No, not going into it.

I look a bit like a dinosaur when I stretch my back with arms locked to my sides and bending at the elbow. I have a low calorie Snapple drink made from the best stuff on Earth you know. That would be water. I have my empty Mountain Dew, which I drank over the course of over a week, and my Pepsi that has gone quite flat.

I’ve been setting here staring at the screen for a few min. now. Have can I top flat Pepsi? Even flat it is wondrous. Just look at it, and Same Dew New View, poetry, hidden on a bottle. Kiwi Pear. Oh, nature is awesome. It’s the best stuff on earth you know. Snapple in a bottle. Can’t get much better then that. Who cares about higher education? All I need in life is the best stuff on earth. Which you can buy for $1:50.

Hello,
I’m at Panara. Taking up a whole booth because I didn’t see another spot. I cannot be here forever because my computer will run out of batteries. I woke up after only 11 hours of sleep, and on a day I didn’t have classes! Are things getting better?

Hello, (This I wrote a while ago. Somehow the simple act of playing the Sims has raised my mood. I have also started to have a lot of sugar.)
This feeling inside my head makes me want to close my eyes even if I did get the right amount of sleep last night (and then some), but yesterday was quite a day. I would talk about it, but I am overheating give me a moment. (Takes off sweater) There, I am much less hot now. This shirt shows off my all to round belly. Something I thought was getting smaller, but I am not losing any weight so I guess it is my view of myself that is changing. Yet this feeling inside my head makes it seem like I could sleep, forever. I am Sleeping Beauty come Prince to wake me up. Peace. I’m going to be attacked by killer tomatoes today. Icky. This feeling. Life gives little release, and I haven’t had it in a long time. Yesterday was good. I went to bed a little early, but hopefully sleeping in will give me the energy to make it through the day. I find a certain class boring now, never a good sign. Life gives little release, and it makes someone feel as if they could sleep, and sleep all day. And I know you’ve been there too. Imagining the world outside… guess the song! And I can see that I’m not blind. I can’t be hard one you, because you know I’ve been there too. Life gives little release.

As the lecture series inches closer and closer so does my class, my humor class. God help me, it is the only one that I enjoy.