but dance

ImageSource for Maya
Originally uploaded by RedTea

Forget
what it was like
before you were tired
and one’s mind changed chemicals
so pills, chemicals,
poured down
your throat

but dance
because you can be
who you were
before

and that is
what is what
matters

have a good time
a brain isn’t
who you are
there
is more

always more
and everyday
is not the same

do not be captured
by the days of the week
or the hours of the day
forget about theses things

be free, as someone who
knows a secret
that of suffering
and that it goes away

Star Crunch, Oatmeal Cream Pies, Swiss cake rolls

Little Debbie

Debbie, Debbie where have you gone?
Into my belly silly

My little belly, oh Debbie, Debbie
You make my belly so big and round

“No it is not me,”
the Debbie cries back

“Not me, but your medication.
I am your friend.”

Oh Little Sweet, I can say good bye to you,
But my medication is my leash

“I can save you from this medication!
Jump on a Star Crunch and knock out Bipolar with a Swiss Roll Punch!”

Oh, Debbie, Debbie, I wish it could be, but
The galaxy is bound where it is and it binds me”

“Wait, do not forget how yummy I am.
We can bind time, turn sour to sugar.”

Debbie. Let me make one thing clear.
I know you think you are cute,
And yummy, but your sweetness can get on my nerves.
You plague me with pained teeth,
Because too much sugar can file away us all.

Oh I guess I’ll have one more.

A bear

Way up near the north poll
where the light either
comes all day
or there is only night.

Lost in a wasteland of cold
it finds its home
where the glaciers
still exist.

How do you live so alone?
Why don’t you seek others?
to share the stories
of the snow.

Perhaps you will realize
that the dark doesn’t make a wasteland
because while the light disappears
winter ends, light returns.

And I know you sleep like me,
tired, but this fades
and someday day
and night will be equal.

If you like poems - here is one that I am going to fix up later

Oil
Envy
What can we run off of?

Energy.
I toss the word around
in my head.

Sadness
followed by
Envy
drip like oil
from my wounds,

that is where oil
comes from, you know,
most people don’t know.

They toxic us up
until we drip like honey
the sweetest honey comes from the bitterest babies,
but.
as we grow all the sweet
is sucked out.

It is the energy that is taken next,
cars come at a cost after all
we need to steal
the milk
from
baby cows
like we from ourselves,
the world has to run somehow.

where does our oil and honey go?
where our soil and oxygen go.
to the wrong place.

you think you can run off of knowledge
you think you can run off of pride, character, morals
you think you will can use them to replace a smile and a rest

I see you work
I see you and wonder how you run
I see that I was never you

when I could have been you I knew my limits
when I could have been you I knew how to sleep
when I could have been you I knew I couldn’t be you

now I can never be you, I have no opinion

but.

they still know how to take my energy.

What can I run off of

what can I run off of
when the world gets unnaturally
boring, and I cannot sit down
and watch more then five minutes of a movie,
even a good movie?

what can I run off of
when the world gets unnaturally Boring,
and I cannot enjoy anything,
everything I do seems like a waste
because I would have once
enjoyed it, but
I have forgotten the concept.

what when:

I apologue for being bad company, but
I know that I cannot be good company.
all I can do is walk.

so I walk for hours,
it is the highlight
of my life.

I have a job
I can just sit with a book,
and read, if I could enjoy reading,
but I find the job Boring.

I feel so unemotional,
everything seems like nothing
I only find joy in eating
when I am eating I feel normal.
what if I just ate all the time?
I cannot feel anything,
happy or sad
if life continues
to be like this what is the point

what can we run off of?
pride, pride does not work,
you are ashamed of yourself.

character, what does it matter?
are you going to charm your way out?
your character has abandoned you

morals, you can pray
all you want,
I did,

knowledge, knowing the qualities of unnatural boredom,
how are you going to get the motivation?
officials say it helps, but only so much

medication
when I could have been like you I promised myself to never use drugs
now I can be you and use a ‘safer’ form of drugs while others self medicate

Energy
I toss the word around
in my head

I sleep now, sleep a good number of hours
but.
I am still tired
medication has drained out all my oil
it took only a year,
less then a year.

Awake now, I dream of sleep.
sleeping now, I dream of sleep.

I dream of how much I sleep,
how others can stay out late while I
going to bed early
go through the steps of the day, only.
only with getting to sleep at night on my mind

and say to myself,
I am sleepy. I am so sleepy.

When you gain the energy you lost
it hits you in waves
each one slowly getting higher,
slowly or as a blast that destroys all
normal logic.

you will see things in new ways
the sounds alone are so vivid,
vibrations you would have never picked up,

someone in a less energetic state of mind
could close their eyes and find the power
of the sound waves, if only they could hear
as clearly.

but. there is so much all around me,
so much more then sound,
I feel like writing

it is strange that the mind can hear and do
so much in one state
and in another overlooks its abilities, no,
Not use its abilities.

if you could see how I see
when the energy waves
from the sun stop
passing through me
and I admit lights

my pupils
they get wider
I can see it in the mirror
the world just looks different,
I can see the lines in my fake leather purse
light bounces off some of its surface and not the rest
the metal of the clasp seems so metallic
it is the essence, smooth reflective, but not like a mirror
only white light bounces off of this clasp

reds seem more red. when I have energy
I look at the essence of red in a sweatshirt, and I think.
Shit,
I’m hypomanic, again.

P.S. For those of you who are depressed there is hope. I am just trying to recapture what it felt like so others can understand. Depression is not forever. You will regain every part of yourself you feel you have lost and you will discover more. Medication doesn't take away everyones energy, every brain and body is different. Just like every fingerprint or zebra strip is unique. Patience. What a quality. One that I haven't been all that good at.

Ever so cute

That darn writer p3 Comic...
Originally uploaded by RedTea

my kitty cat hat
warm blocking the winter wind,
he said I was too old to wear it
he said I acted like a child.

I think myself wiser now
I think myself happier then.

dreamed of taking him to the gardens,
warm botanical, nature indoors,
coat off, snow outside
asked him to go, “No.”

there is a light in my eyes,
a fire, that somehow survives.

go away, leave me be,
I cannot stand this,
I want to jump
out of my head.

this unease,
this badness.

emotion, perhaps?
what is this feeling
why does it come?
when did it start?

I am trapped,
don’t you believe me?

america free?
forced into college
to stay on my parents insurance
only to be later forced into a certain job.

remember sleep?
how much of my time is taken by sleep?

do you think I can still make it?

I've been picking on the men of NYC...shhh

I know I sound like a wonderful person, but I have been testing the waters of NYC. I've been making Craigslist postings not including my name or real email (just a fake one(s)). In fact you don't even have my real email(s) (just a fake one). Upon confessing this one person called me a f***ing moron. So I sent in the detail of my motivation. The plan is as follows. Post the same thing in two cities one with a picture of before I gained weight and another after. Also, I switch up the stories of posts a bit. Each one is mostly true, but shhh, "Don't like them know."

Free Rice - Free Lotto

I introduce the program Free Rice. The more you play (and win) the more rice gets donated to those who need it. While this is a good start sending food to the third world isn’t going to solve the problem, we need to be sending farming animals that can survive in their climate or if they do have the soil to farm, farming equipment.

By playing this game we are, however, showing we care. The more people play the more we speak to corporate America.

Play with me?

It has been a long time. Sleepiness still crowds my head. I would have slept if it were not for classes. Thank God for classes. There has to be a way to solve this problem of being tired so often. I am being put on Wilburton. It is supposed to give you energy. Oh, sleep. Sigh. What is wrong with me?

Pineapples grow in the ground. I have some bad memories when it comes to pineapples, and the word often pops in my head when I am trying to think of a funny word.

I am waking up. My mood is cheering up. A little action goes a long way, but it does not change the fact that I could have slept until 2pm. After falling asleep at around 11 pm.

There I have some coffee. If this doesn’t wake me up and make me happier then I don’t know… well I guess I could try an energy drink.

I have been searching the web lately, and I can tell you about FreeLotto.com. It is what it sounds like. If you win, you owe me some items on my crazy wishlist.

I’m drawing a blank, for once, I cannot talk about being in a coffee shop. I am in my studio. The space I have been avoiding all year. I guess I could talk more about my medication. I saw my pDoc. She thinks I have been so tired because I have been depressed. I don’t know about this. I might really have a sleep problem. My Mom is tired a lot, why can’t I be? I wonder how tired I will be when I am old?

On the wall of another studio a newspaper is hanging. “Make War & Poverty History: Fight for a Socialist Future,” it says in red and black. Do you think it would work? It is a concept so far away from our present reality that it seems impossible. Make War & Poverty History. I could say it, as many times as there are bees in a hive. For as long as bees to make sunlight honey to drip into our hands. My sister insists that there are other pollinators, so the flowers will survive, but I foresee not as many will survive. And what about Pooh and his Think, Think, Think. What good is a little gray rain cloud when the hive is empty? Just forgotten wax.

It is a virus invented to take away small farmers ability to farm. The heirloom crops will be replaced with genetically modified crops that do not need pollination. Is there time to find a cure? Or should we say goodbye to Johnny and his apples. We no longer can use the trees you planted. Oh, honey in my tea. Honey stirred in green tea. All natural.